Gabriel Speaks - Gabriel
Gonzalez; Texas Death Row
I am a young man who grew up in the harsh realm of the
streets of “Ghetto America,” came to Death Row under unprecedented means,
and under some truly controversial circumstances…
Once veiled by ignorance. My actions were but reflex reactions
to a hostile social order. And due to this blinding veil of ignorance, the
social order of things, though hostile appeared in no way unnatural to me
being born and raised seeing and experiencing only this reailty. Never was
I admonished that I was born into a predetermined set of circumstances, arranged
by oppressive forces, and devised to make prison or Death Row the most likely
fate of the poor and Latino child. Thus, without awareness I was destined
for this—my present situation: Death Row!
While incarcerated, I have utilized my time wisely, and
in a most beneficial manner via study, spiritual awakening and implementation,
introspection, recognition of mistakes and misconceptions about life and
manhood—and I ultimately came into manhood and found the Vision of Original
Man through the search of Self.
As you read this dissertation, I hope that you remember:
I am a man who never graduated from high school or college, and was never
taught the subjects of life in prison, for Death Row is not a place made
to rehabilitate, but to slaughter. What you read is an application of time,
recognition of mistakes and a higher calling and being in life. Here on Death
Row, men are “alive” and they maintain themselves; well so does a man in
a coma. In the face of death, here or beyond, I have made the choice to not
just be “alive” or “maintain,” but to feel, grow and live. It is easy to
die, but a thousand times harder to live—and now I live with Cause and Vision.
After all, it is not about how much time we have left, but what one does
with the time one has left.
In the past, the thought crossed my mind about, “Why fight
to get off of death row when death is inevitable?” This was a difficult question
simply for the thought process is enacted. Death…such a controversial subject
for the human.
I remember reading a story about a boy with a rare disease
who had to live his entire life in a sterile plastic bubble, because a single
germ or unsterilized touch could be fatal to him. Anyone reaching in the
bubble through the hermetically sealed opening had to wear sterilized gloves,
and everything that came to him—books, food, utensils or gifts—had to be
decontaminated before being passed inside. I mean he was completely sealed
off. Isolated from his family nad in permanent quarantine from the rest of
the world. However, think, not even that airtight bubble could save the boy
from death.
Once he understood that he was dying, he asked for only
one thing: to reach outside of the protection of his little bubble and touch
his father. Doomed, knowing this encounter was death itself, the boy reached
out and touched his father’s hand, making his final moment his only moment.
I’ve heard it said that “pain” is the breaking of the
shell that encloses our understanding, that pain is the touchstone for growth
in life, and even though we may not like that idea much, the present realilities
suggest that it is true. To live is to experience all that life has to offer,
and in our psyche that is both pain and suffering, as well as Love and Happiness.
I am certain that we would all like to alleviate the pain we experience in
living but, tell me, is that pain really without its reasons? Pain serves
the purpose of letting is know that “Something is wrong,” “Something does
not fit.” And often in our lives it is the struggles, the adversities, the
pain that moves us to seek new ways of living, of being, of defining who
we are.
Think, where is there growth without suffering? Isn’t
it the struggle itself that defines us? Our many failures in life are what
gives meaning to our few successes. And it is only when we peer into the
abyss can we appreciate the heights. Everything contains within itself its
own paradox, such as, what is found can be lost, what hurts can also heal,
and what is loved can inflict the worst pain. But we cannot think of any
reality without thinking of its possible absence. Lost has no meaning only
in relation to found, and, of course, found has meaning only when the thing
is lost.
The mistake me make a lot of times is to turn upon our
hardships with contempt or wholesale negation because we tend to think of
pain as only negative—that which hurts. Certainly, life hurts, but in that
hurt there is the potential for healing, the release from resentment, the
gratitude for living, and the understanding vision that allows us to see
how truly blessed we are.
To live at all is to be vulnerable, and in living you
will certainly be hurt, if not broken. Our choice in life is not whether
we will be healed or hurt, but rather to which of those realities we shall
attend. The recognition of despair or the openness to suffering, does not
signal some kind of denial or lack of care because the essence of suffering,
as the word signifies, is to be done to. Thus it is that, in a very
literal sense, suffering makes us feel real. Often, most alive.
The point being: Life is sometimes beautiful, sometimes,
cruel, intensely pleasurable and intensely painful—but always both good and
bad. If the boy in the bubble’s life or story serves as nothing else it can
serve as a metaphor to us All Touching brings pain and even involves the
risk of being wounded. But life I sterile, lonely, and not worth living in
the kind of bubble that precludes touch. Because that touching, even if it
hurts, is life itself.
Why do I continue to live in such a bubble (Death Row)
that precludes touch and forces us to live in such cruelty and isolation?
Many are discouraged by the affliction we face, but this is where we fail
to see that it is absolutely necessary for life to unfold. Sometimes pain
and adversities are not meant to be removed. You can’t second-guess God.
Rather than praying for it (pain and adversity) to go away, it is often wiser
to pray that we learn as much from it as we possibly can. For those of us
in here, like myself and others, who have attained this understanding, I
feel safe in saying that it Is not death that frustrates us, but rather the
enlightenment that we have achieved in know what role we should have been
playing society. Philosophers, Teachers, Counselors, and much much more have
been molded here, and the reality that these lives may never be lived does
serve as a disappointment. It is not in rejecting forced death. When one’s
mind floats to those here that have coomitted acts against humanity, we must
stand on the concept that forced death multiplied by forced death can only
manifest destruction.
We cannot lose grasp of the ability for man to change
into a better being. When we think of man has taken reighn as Judge, Jury
and God, let us ask ourselves, “Is man pure enough to take lives so easily?”
I feel like when man can create life—and I do not mean by intercourse or
sampling DNA; I mean making DNA itself, creating Atoms, Universes—fair punishments
for wrong. But murder in any form cannot be the solution to get peace, justice
or growth in life.
So the answer is: We must let life continue to feel life.
Life should be allowed to take its natural course so that adverse effects
do not spread from multiplied evil acts. If man can learn to live and nourish
life, it would be abominable to cease that. So it is not about being afraid
of facing death, but embracing every bit of life.
I sit here on Death Row for a crime I did not commit.
I ask you why? Why me? Why should I fight? Then I think of all the strugglers
and martyrs that carried on even in the face of unimaginable things. They
knew they were serving a purpose, and to lay down their lives as quitters
would insult their entire being. It was not until I read a very simple yet,
extraordinary saying that truly gave me peace in my heart towards my difficult
journey. It said; “WHAT WE ARE EXPERIENCING NOW IS THE CHRONIC BREAKDOWN
OF A WORLD THAT WILL GIVE BIRTH TO THE ORDER OF A NEW WORLD. SO THIS CHAOS
IS ABSOLUTELY AND VITALLY NECESSARY TO THE MOTION TOWARD ORDER. OUT OF DEATH
COMES LIFE OUT OF DARKNESS COMES LIGHT, OUT OF NOTHING CAME EVERYTHING, SO
OUT OF WHAT SEEMS TO BE ONLY CHAOS COMES ORDER.”
This assured me (even in these Universal terms) that all
we are doing is vital for what will come. We cannot fear death, nad also,
we cannot run and hide from life. Both are companions, both will call us,
and both will demand. Every ounce of our being…Lets learn why I will continue
to fight to have every breath I am supposed to have, because I know that
as I am alive…I have a purpose.
PEACE AND BLESSINGS…
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