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HOW
COULD THEY DO THIS ???
By Claudia Etheridge
The wife of executed
prisoner Gary Etheridge, writes about Gary's last hours and his execution.
Claudia and Gary Etheridge met in 2000, via Gary's webpage on the CCADP.
They married in February 2001, in the prison in Texas.
On all of their visits,
there was a pane of glass between them. Claudia later commented to
friends that the first and only time she ever got to touch her husband,
was at the funeral home.
Dear Friends And Family,
Gary appeared to be strong and tough on the days before his terrible killing on Tuesday. He repeated over and over that he's cool and okay, but I know him better than that. Although he gladly was on peace and strongly believed that he will be saved and in Heaven I also know that he was not really ready to die. How could he ? In one of his final letters he wrote that he is on peace and will not leave this world as an angry man as he would have if they would have killed him in November 2000, but he also wrote that he's not ready to die. He don't wanted to leave this world so early, but most of all not in this terrible and senseless way.
Even on our very final visit
on Tuesday morning he still was a little optimistic and told me about a
few future plans " ... if we get another stay", but after the visit with
his lawyer who told him that the US
Supreme Court denied him,
I saw the change in his eyes. Now he had absolutely no hope left anymore.
Gary knew that they will kill him in only a few hours, but he still tried
to make me laugh, tried to tell me some jokes, tried to cheer me up. But
how could I laugh again ? When I cried he could not look at me anymore,
because he don't wanted to break down. He don't wanted the guards or even
other inmates see him cry. Gary was a very vulnerable and sensitive man
who even cried when he heard a romantic or sad country song. He often wrote
to me ... can you imagine ... all these people who are hating me ... what
would they think if they would know, that the man where they think it's
an animal or monster, a cold-blooded killer, that he sit in his cell and
cries, just because of a sad country song. That was the way Gary was, strong
and tough on the outside, but weak,
vulnerable, sweet and easy
to hurt inside.
Even when we needed to say goodbye Gary still told me that he's okay, but he also said, that if he would show his true feelings, then he would break down and cry and never could stop crying again. Already at 11:50 AM they picked him up and made me leave the visit room. Btw ... during the visit a guard came and honestly asked Gary what to do with the money that's left on his trust fund account. They filled in a form, plenty of paper work, Gary had to sign a form and they acted as if this would be very important ... can you believe that they were talking about 0.01 Dollar ??? We always knew that this prison is stupid, but how can they do paperwork for one single Cent ?
Later in the afternoon Gary was allowed to call me at the Hospitality House and we could talk on the phone for round about 20 minutes. To my surprise his brother Michael Ellis Etheridge, who's the actual killer of the victim and who recently wrote me a letter, mentioning that he's so scared that Gary will tell in his final statement that he's the killer and this could hurt his own parole (Michael is serving a life sentence for killing his own baby) made a call into the Walls Unit to talk to Gary. They were able to talk together for the first time after 12 years. When I asked Gary what the hell Mike wanted from him Gary told me that he has no idea at all. They only talked for a few minutes, just "casual stuff". Gary said that Mike did not specially mentioned it, but he felt that the only reason, why Micheal called him was, because he's still so scared that Gary could do anything that would hurt his parole. What kind of brotherly love is this ? Gary dies for him and this coward only think about how to save his own butt.
Gladly Gary also was able to talk to his sweet angel daughters. This meant so much to him. He was so happy to hear their little voices one more time. Brittany gave him strenght in reminding him to think about Jesus, Brandi cried on the phone as well as his ex-wife Teresa did.
When I entered the witness
room a little after six Gary was already laying there. He wore a dark blue
shirt and his body was covered with a sheet. You only could see his
face, his arms and his chest. He was strapped and the hands were bandaged.
I could not find out yet why they do this, you could not see his hands
or fingers anymore. The needles were not visible because they were covered
by gauze or something like that. Gary was already waiting for me, looking
at me from the moment I
arrived. The Warden stood
at the side where Gary's head was, by his feet there was a prison chaplain
standing. The chaplain laid a hand on Gary's right foot during the entire
procedure.
Gary told me that he loves
me and he blew a few kisses, then he asked if I can hear him but the microphone
was not on yet. He seemed to be a bit lost and did not know what to do.
What a surprise, he never before was in that terrible situation. From the
moment I saw Gary (don't ask me how I managed it to do so), but from the
moment I saw him, until he was pronounced dead, I smiled at him. I smiled
and cried, both at the same time. I smiled at him tenderly because I wanted
him to see the face he loved so very much before he died. I wanted to make
him believe that I am okay, but of course I was not at all !!! Gary was
a little confused and did not know when to begin with his final statement.
He asked the Warden if he should talk now and if the mic is on. When it
finally was on he went his head a bit to the victims family, but did not
look at them, only turned the head a bit and he said "To the victim's family.
I'm sorry for what was taken from you. I hope you find peace." I was
very surprised to hear him
saying so because even in our final phone call Gary said that he will not
leave any message for the victims family, because he has nothing to tell
them. Gary said since he did not kill the girl, there's nothing he could
say. I even suggested him to not say anything to the victims family because
I felt they either would take it as a confession, that he killed the girl
or they maybe even would hold it against him ... not believing him that
he is sorry that a life was taken. I told Gary ... you don't owe them anything,
you already give your life for them ... what else do they need from you,
but anyway, last minute Gary has decided to address a few words to them.
I think he did
it because he wanted to
leave this world on peace.
After this Gary again looked
at me, tried to smile, blowed one more kiss and said "To my sweet Claudia.
I love you. Stay strong, keep building and be careful. Be careful. I love
you." I was not aware that Gary was done with the statement since he did
not say "I'm ready Warden" or
something like that. Everyone
seemed a little bit confused, Gary looked at the Warden, a woman came from
the room where they press the buttons to let the poison flowing into his
veins and she asked something and because Gary began to talk again I still
was not aware that the killing
process already had began.
Gary blew me a final kiss and said with a still strong but tired sounded
voice "I hope there's closure
for the victim's family and everybody." While talking and looking at me
Gary has turned his face towards me, but when the poison hit his veins
he turned his head back and because of the confusion and because I did
not know if he's finished with his statement I only was aware that they
really already had began to kill him when Gary was laying there and softly
closed his eyes. Even during the killing process Gary spoke again. It broke
my heart when he said "I can feel it burning" and "I'm getting really dizzy"
and I hope so very much that he finally did not feel the pain when the
lungs collapsed. The last sound that was to hear from Gary, sounded a little
bit like snoring and just as if he tried to take one more deep breath,
but could no more longer.
>From the moment I entered the witness room until Gary closed his eyes he had tears in his eyes. I am glad that he did not look straight to the victims family and you could not hear it in his voice, that he felt like crying. I was glad that only I could see the tears in his eyes. The media people did not see it (at least they did not mention it in the papers) and the victims family could not see his tears, because Gary did not turn his head that far. I was so happy for him, that he did not break down while laying on the gurney, saying his final words because he would have hated it to break down in front of the police officers who investigated against him and in front of the people who kill him.
At 6:22 PM the doctor pronounced Gary dead, nine minutes after they began to kill him on 6:13 PM. Gary was so hoping that the victims family will find closure, although he did not kill the girl, but I do not hope this. I know that there was a life taken from them as well, but I hate it to think about that the senseless killing of my Gary will cheer up others. And I hope that they are better than that. How can they be satisfied or happy now, when another life is taken, when another mother cries, when two innocent little girls (12 and 13 years old) need to grow up without their daddy ? How can they find something like "closure" ? What exactely is closure ? Gary's killing will not bring back the victim, so how could it ever ease their pain ? I fear that sooner or later the victims family will find out that nothing has changed in their life ... that there is no closure at all, because they still will miss their loved ones terribly.
It's hard to describe what
I felt. As frightened as I was before to watch my beloved husbands killing
... the act itself was not as horrible to me as I expected it to be. I
never understood and hated it when people said ... the men only are going
to sleep ... but it indeed at least appeard to me in this way. When Gary
closed his eyes and was laying there with closed eyes ... I could not believe
that it is over now ... that he never again will open his beautiful eyes,
smile at me ... tell me that he loves me ... but at least it appeared to
me that it's a "peaceful dead" ... if there ever is a way to call killing
a
young and healthy human
being "peaceful". At least it appeared to me that Gary is on peace now
and save in God's hand. Gary was a Believer until the very end. He even
became very angry when I told him in the morning of his last day, that
I will not believe in God anymore, when they kill him tonight. How can
I believe in a God that allow this senseless and terrible cruel killing
? But Gary told me that there is a God and that he will face God tonight
and he knew that he will be saved by the grace of God and that he will
go to Heaven which will be paradise because he's a good man. Gary knew
that he did wrong plenty in his life, but we all know that he paid for
it even much more than a man should.
Gary did not fear to face
God because he knew that he will be saved. Gary begged me to still believe
in God. When I asked him if he think that it is God's will that he will
die today after 6:00 PM Gary said "no, this is not God's will, this is
what Texas want, this never ever in life is God's will".
Straight after the execution, when I could view his body at the funeral home, Gary's face looked terrible because of the change of the skin. Although I was told so, I was not really prepared to this since I never saw a dead body. I was frightened and worried that Gary did not find peace because he did not look very peacefully. But on Wednesday and today (Thursday) in the meantime the expression on his face appears much more relaxed and peaceful. Tomorrow in the morning I can view Gary one final time and after this they will cremate his body and I will take the ashes with me to Germany, since it was Gary's urgent need and strongest wish to go home with me, dead or alive.
In his final letter, which
Gary wrote from the death house, only a few hours before the execution,
Gary asked me to try to forgive Texas and the US, but how chould I ? They
did not forgive him 12 years after a crime he did not commit, why should
I ? Texas made Gary's heartbeat stop, but they can't kill his spirit and
they can't kill the memory. They can't steal the love away from me. Gary
will live on in his wonderful beautiful little girls Brittany and Brandi.
They are his flesh and blood and Gary was so proud of them and he loved
them to death, although he was not allowed for 11 years to see them again.
Last year he finally was able to see them again and it made him so happy,
filled his
heart with precious joy.
Gary will live on in the hearts and memories of so many people from around
the world, especially in the ones of his close friends from Italy and Holland.
And of course I never ever in this life will forget my Gary. I will love
him until the final breath I will take. He will be in my heart forever,
because he had me from Hello.
I like to thank all my friends
and family, the attorneys ... all the new friends from around the world
I found while fighting this battle. Thank you for your help and support,
for being there for me in this terrible time. It's terrible and a shame
that we could not save Gary's life ... as we could not save the lives of
so many other men and women before ... but we cannot allow this to give
up hope. One day they need to stop the madness, one day sooner or later
they need to abolish the death penalty.
I never will understand
how these people in Texas and the USA can live with it ... how they can
find a good night sleep. How they can call it justice to take a live, how
they can tell people by killing, that
killing is wrong. How can
they do this and go on with their own lives. A life means nothing to them.
They ain't interested if someone commited the crime or not, they only are
interested in killing one person for a certain killing, no matter if this
man is guilty or not. They are taking lives just like this and call it
justice. They even think that they are the good ones. But they are not.
I often told Gary that he's better than them. Sure, Gary was a pitty criminal
and ended up in prison many times ... but he was no bad person. He was
a man with the biggest heart I ever have known, in desperate need of love
and a little attention which he never ever got in life before we met. Yes,
he did wrong often, but only because no one ever believed in him. Gary
never felt love ... he did not get love from his parents and not from his
ex-wife or ex-girlfriends. He had a cold and empty heart and became an
angry young man, because he never got the deep, true and honest love we
both shared for 2 years.
Lack of love was the only
reason why his hand reached out to these damn drugs so often. He needed
to fill a hole and he tried to resolve problems by taking drugs. Unfortunaltely
only too late Gary understood that drugs don't resolve anything.
I thank God for putting us
together in life. I thank God for the 2 wonderful years we had together,
most of all for the precious additional time we had after the stay in November
2000, where our love could grow stronger and we even got married. I thank
God that he allowed me to meet and know Gary. And I thank Gary for loving
me. Thank you for sharing your world and life with me for 2 years and thank
you that you let me slip into your heart. You once told me that you wasted
your life and
that your life had no meaning,
but this is not true, my darling. How could a life had no meaning when
you will be not forgotten by so many friends and while living on in my
heart ? I love you and we will meet again. Adios, God bless, until we meet
again.
Yours,
Claudia
TO SEND MESSAGES OF CONDOLENCE
OR SUPPORT, EMAIL CLAUDIA AT:
for_claudia2002@yahoo.com
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