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My dear Friends
As you may have already
heard, the verdict is in and the jury has decided
that the appropriate sentence
is death----six death sentences to be precise.
The jury deliberated for
nine days- a record for a capital case in my state-
and I must admit that I
had my hopes up. So I guess my reaction would be
described as disappointed,
but upon relfelction not truly surprised.
This was an extremely difficult
case to win, and my lawyers should be
commended for the job that
they did. I knew after final arguements that the
decision could go either
way, so I put it into the hands of God praying that
His will be done. And as
hard as it is to accept, I do believe that it is
God's will that I remain
here on death row. Now I can already hear your
protests, but let me share
something from In conversation with God: "God
asks us to lose our fear
of pain and tribulation and unite ourselves to Him,
as He waits for us on the
cross, And we will realise that joy is inseperable
from the Cross. Not only
that, we will also understand that we can never be
happy if we are not united
to Christ on the cross and that we will never know
how to love if we do not
at the same time love sacrafice. These tribulations
that appear to our poor
human reasoning as unjust and meaningless are
necessary for our personal
holiness and for the salvation of many souls.
Within the mystery of co-redemption,
our sufferings united to those of Christ
acquire an incomparable
value for the entire church and the whole of mankind.
If we humbly have recourse
to God, He will make us see that everything, even
events and circumstances
apparently least likely to do so, work together for
the good of those who love
him. Suffering, when seen in its true light , when
it serves as a means of
loving more, produces great peace and deep joy. That
is why God often blesses
us with the Cross".
I have to believe this
because it is the only way I can make sense of my life
and of my current circumstances.
When I came to death row some thirteen years
ago, I could never have
imagined the true blessing that it would ultimately
turn out to be. And while
I never would have chosen this path in retrospect,
I wouldn't change places
with anyone. I know this is hard to believe-how
could anyone find death
row to be a blessing? But when I look over the past
decade that I have been
here and I see the spiritual transformation and
growth that I have undergone,
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, the love
and abundant graces that
God has bestowed upon me. And because of this, I can
say that even though I do
not understand why God chose for me to remain here
on death row, I know that
with a strong faith that there is a reason and a
purpose for this which will
in the end glorify God.
Life may sometimes seem
senseless, and people may at times be thoughtless or
even vindictive. But Gods
will for us is good. And God will prevail. So I
accept this situation- even
though I don't fully understand- and I patiently
and humbly await the day
that I do understand and see how all of this fits
into God's plan for me,
and for humanity in general.
Still it doesn't seem fair
does it? I know that feeling well, and when in my
arrrogance I question the
judgement of God, I read the question from The
Imitation of Christ: "What
have you to complain of, vain person? Oh wretched
sinner that you are, what
answer can you justly make for those who rebuke
you, since you have so often
offended God and so often deserved the
punishment of hell?"
I am luckier than most,
for my sins are very clear to me, they are horrible
in nature, and they cannot
be justified as anything except what they palinly
are-especially egregious
sins before God. My sins are ever before me and I
cannot pretend to be deserving
of any mercy fro God. So when life does not
seem fair, all I have to
do is to look hard at who I am and what I have done,
and suddenly I see that
I deserve far less than I do have. God has been very
merciful to me--of this
I cannot deny- so I try to humbly accept the
circumastances of my life
without complaint and even with thanksgiving. This
is not always easy to do,
and I don't always succeed, but it is what I try to
do.
I would like to share
one finam excerpt from In Conversation with God that
helps me to put difficulties
in their proper perspective:
"In the face of every setback,
of every failure, of every incomprehensible
event and blatant injustice,
we should reflect on those consoling words of
the Lord. "What I am doing
you do not know now, but afterward you will
understand". (John 13;7)
Then there will be no resentment or sorrow.
Everything that happens
to us is forseen by God, and is ordained to His
Glory and to the salvation
of man. If what happens to us is good, God wants
it for us. If it is bad,
He does not want it for us, but allows it to happen
because he respects man's
freedom and the order of nature: in such unlikely
circumstances it is nonetheless
in Gods power to obtain good and advantage
for the soul-even bringing
out evil itself. Whenever we find ourselves beset
by difficulties let us say
this simple and humble prayer, " Lord you know
better. I abandon myself
into your hands. You'll explain it to me later on".
I don't know why all of
this happened. I don't know why I was afflicted with
a mental illness that drove
me to commit such horrible crimes. And I don't
know why God didn't help
my jury to understand that and grant me life
sentences. But I have to
trust that God knows what He is doing, and that he
will explain it to me in
His own good time. I'm not saying that it is easy to
do, nor am I saying that
I don't have my times of doubt, but I am saying that
I trust God to deliver me
in His own manner--by turning this tribulation into
a blessing--as He has doen
for me so many times before in my past. I may not
be able to see the good
in this now, but I have no doubt that with time the
blessing will become abundantly
clear.
I ask you my dear friends,
not to be too disappointed with this verdict. I
know it is not what you
prayed for, and it is hard to see how the death
penalty, could possibly
be something good. But remember, through the power
and glory of God, All things,
even the most unmitigated evil, can be
transformed into something
good. As Paul said, we know that all things work
for good for those who love
God" (Romans 8;28)
He doesn't say that all
things will be easy, and indeed Paul suffered greatly
and He himslef was executed
by the authorities. But He did trust in the
ultimate goodness of God.
And that is what we must do, even in difficut
circumstances such as these.
I want to thank you all
fro your prayers, and the wonderful caring support
that you have shown me.
I regret that I have not had the time to respond to
every letter and card individually,
but be assured that they were all greatly
appreciated. I am lucky
to have such good friends.
Until next time.
Michael.
Michael B Ross#127404
Northern Correctional Institution
PO Box #665
Somers CT 06071 USA
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